Most of my life, I claimed that I was a Christian and really believed it; but, know, now, that I wasn't. I didn't understand the true meaning of having a relationship with God or to be “born again” until it really happened; then there was no doubt about His love for me and my love for Him.

At one point in my life, I was very angry at God. The reason is not necessary to divulge. I carried the anger until the 9/11 tragedy happened.  That day became a turning point in my life. It really brought me to my knees and I sought a place for peace and protection of my inner-self, a place of refuge. I turned to God. I returned to the church that I grew up in; it felt just like I went home; I could feel the Holy Spirit's presence there. The minister's wife and I sat and talked for a long time about my anger towards God. She mostly listened and cried with me as I was “being born again”. The anger left, and I was filled with the Holy Spirit and His forgiveness. Praise God!!

I have looked all my life for someone to love me, unconditionally, and He was with me all the time. I was just too blind to see.

Since then, I have had many, many health issues and other trials. I can see God working with me through it all. As my favorite song says, “It Is Well with My Soul”.

Your friend in Christ,

I grew up with volatile parents: a hard-drinking father and a timid, unwilling mother who delegated the care of my 3 younger brothers to me. Dad was brought up in the church; but like his own hard-drinking father, church didn‘t “appeal” to him. In fact, he was downright hostile to religion. Due to the influence of my paternal grandmother, mom sent us to church each Sunday, even though she had been brought up in a Bible-believing home with parents who were hardworking and “poor as church mice.” My paternal grandmother had taught me about God whenever I was with her, and I learned my first prayers kneeling by her bed with her. I clung to religion: it was the structure I needed for some kind of balance in life. Mainly our parents didn’t teach us what not to do; they just lashed out in anger when we did what we shouldn’t. It was learn fast, or live in fear of severe punishment.

With such early and heavy responsibilities, I became a deeply depressed little girl literally without a childhood. This depression lasted through my growing years and well into adulthood. Though I loved church and the things about God, I never knew that He really loved me. I never knew it was possible to have a personal relationship with Him. Though I “believed in God” and really thought I loved Him, I felt empty, lost, worthless and completely without hope, trying to “earn” God’s love, and seeing how impossible it was to be perfect!

This depression continued into marriage and motherhood, and escalated until I became suicidal. I planned my suicide, and strangely the depression lifted! I felt smug and “happy” that I had (in my own mind) “found” the answer! It was so simple: everyone would be better off without me! This “euphoria” went on for a while until one day when I was especially smug about my (secret) decision and had been congratulating myself. All of a sudden an inner voice spoke to me and said, “What are you thinking!?” At that moment I had a strong feeling of being shaken hard in my inner self, much like a dog shakes a toy! This “shaking” made me conscious of just how terrible my decision had been, so that I never again would consider suicide. It would not please God! The depression eventually returned. During these early years of marriage, my husband had listened to me and tried to encourage and comfort me, though he couldn’t change my situation or outlook for long. We were both looking for “something” but didn’t know “what” that something was…but “religion” wasn’t the answer.

A few years down the road, as the depression again reached a high point I could sense that I was going down into a deep, black emotional hole. Try as I would to stop it, this “black hole” had no sides to grab, and it was getting wider and deeper. As the blackness grew, I resigned myself to going into a helpless mental state from which I believed I would never return, a sort of mental oblivion.

About this same time, a close cousin approached me about “knowing The Lord.” She also had been previously looking for “something” and had the same religious background as my husband and me. She told me about what she had “found,” and that she “would gladly give her life” if only I could have it, too! After having been extremely patronizing and insulting to her on the phone, I decided to get the book she had recommended so that I could refute her position and close the subject!

Finally I had confirmation that the Bible is truly the Word of God! The proofs were there, and that’s all I needed to know. Now, based on God’s WORD, I knew He loved me, and cared for me, that I was not just a number; that He sent Jesus, His Son, to die for me and bring forgiveness so that I could have a personal relationship with Him and live with Him forever! I was now BORN AGAIN…and I knew it! I also knew that I had finally found “what” I was looking for: KNOWING ASSURANCE OF SALVATION BASED ON GOD’S WORD, not man’s ideas or rules!

Has life been perfect, trouble-free, smooth-sailing since Jesus came into my life? No! Am I now a ‘perfect person?’ No! Have I chosen my way at times rather than obeying God’s way? Yes. Has He been faithful to forgive me when I confess and forsake sin? Yes! Does the Holy Spirit still guide, teach, mold me, and give me grace to live God’s way? Yes! Am I worthy of God’s love? No! Only through Jesus, my Savior, do I have Salvation and assurance that the Father also loves me! Do I have Peace? Yes! His presence gives me real peace during the turmoil of life. Do I like to have problems? No, but it’s part of life here, and Jesus takes me through it! He is always with His own. Am I special? No! My feet are made of clay; we are all sinners, saved only by God’s grace! Do I regret having given my life to Jesus? NO! My worst day as a Christian is infinitely better than my best day before I knew Jesus!

My parents were of mixed religions; and their marriage agreement was that the children would be raised in the mother’s religion. Consequently, through childhood and after, I always felt at odds with my father. My religion taught that only those of that denomination would go to heaven. I loved my father and his influence was strong in my life, but there was a kind of distance always between us and I had trouble with the thought of my father going to hell because he wasn’t of our religion.

I believe it was due to the difference of religions that my parents had many upsets through the years and grew apart. They eventually divorced after my father became mentally and physically abusive to my mother. I witnessed many violent scenes as a child and teen. After being divorced for two years, my parents remarried, but Dad became unsure of himself and restless. By the time I was 17, we had moved 5 times to different cities. I was angry!

By the time I graduated, I realized that I didn’t believe in any religion, and wasn’t sure of God. I was frustrated, rebellious and just wanted to get away from my parents. I did, however, continue some “lip service” to the church I was raised in. At 18, I married and was a father at 19. In the next few years I got established in a trade, and we had 5 more children, though one died at birth. In the meantime, there were many changes occurring in our denomination's doctrines causing discouragement and even more insecurity.

In the early 70’s my wife read a Christian writer’s book regarding the veracity of the Bible and being saved or born again. I was challenged to read it because it immediately became a barrier in our relationship due to the disconnect on this subject between my wife and me. My mind was made up to discredit everything in this book! After reading it and seeing the fulfilled prophecies about Jesus and the inerrancy of the Bible, we both came to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and set out on our Christian walk in November, 1973. Our four youngest children immediately followed us when we explained that we had been wrong about God and the Bible; and presented to them the truth we had found which changed our minds: that eternal life comes only through Jesus Christ, the Son of God, that He died to pay our sin-debt, and we must turn away from sin. We six at home were baptized on Palm Sunday, 1975. Our firstborn was already in the Air Force and would not become saved and baptized till about 15 years later. God is so faithful and merciful!

None of us became perfect the minute we received Jesus Christ as Savior, nor are we perfect now. Admitting we are not perfect is not an excuse to sin, but as we obey God and His Word, He changes us and grows us. We’re still human and we still sin at times through weakness, carelessness or even laziness. We can take comfort in this: “If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the Blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.” ~ 1 John 7